Youre a creepy dirty criminal who gets arrested before you even start playing the game and then oh shit theres a dragon and you follow some big hairy guys through some dark gross tunnels and there are fucking spiders and then after that its like minecraft but you can’t build anything and everyone is always pushing their problems on you and nobody can get their own stuff done without you holding their hand through it and your horse dies all the time and your dog doesnt even belong to you and you get this stupid housecarl named lydia who gets in the way all the time and you run out of inventory like shit oh no its a pair of butterfly wings i cant walk anymore. and your horse dies all the time.
you make a person then run around doing everyone’s shit for them, become mayor and get literally nothing for it, then you find out you’re a fucking alien and then the game just ends. you also have to pee every 12 seconds.
You meet a guy that doesn’t even know what gender you are and you have to walk around in really short shorts and I mean you HAVE TO WALK like you don’t get running shoes until forever
Then you run around for some crazy old coot who gives you packages and you don’t even get paid but then when you get back he says he has some kind of monster thing for you
so youre stuck with this caged animal but it’s in some weird ball thing what the hell and what does it even do but no it gets worse apparently you battle with the little rodent because some asshole comes up to you and kicks your ass with a better monster because your life sucks dick
You are a mustachioed Italian plumber trapped in a two-dimensional world where being Italian isn’t actually a thing, but you digress. For reasons of which even you aren’t quite sure of, you have been coaxed into trying to rescue an as-of-yet unnamed princess who has been kidnapped by the evil King Turtledragon.
You head right. Actual directions require a third dimension and you can’t quite comprehend what the hell that third dimension actually is, but that’s somewhat irrelevant. You are faced with King Turtledragon’s legion, which sounds far more threatening than it is. Composed mostly of sentient fungi and turtles (though they are bigger than you are, so), you must tackle them head-on.
This gets you killed, but fret not! You aren’t dead. In fact, you’re kinda just stuck at the start again. Okay. This time, you jump atop the living fungus that killed you and have successfully squashed it into oblivion. Good, because seriously? Fuck that guy.
The world is comprised of bricks and stone and stuff and you wonder under what circumstances was a planet allowed to evolve to this point before realizing that is also kind of irrelevant because you are not an astrophysicist. Some bricks aren’t affected by gravity, and so the natural thing to do is jump up and hit them from underneath. You eat the mushroom that emerged from the block and eat it. This causes you to grow twice your size. Another block dispenses a flower. Your clothes change color on contact and suddenly you can throw fire!
You start killing the walking fungus, turtles, plants, beetles, living bullets (wat), spiked beetles, and fish en masse until you arrive at the castle. It’s just kinda made of the same stuff everything else is. It’s also kinda small. Inside the castle, however, you realize that it’s got some serious Tardis shit going on because it’s huge and made of steel and lava. Like, there’s a lot of lava. A very questionable amount of lava. Oh, and some of it’s alive and it kinda jumps up and tries to kill you. You continue on until you’ve come face-to-face with King Turtledragon himself. An epic battle does not ensue: you kinda just burn him to death/knock him into the lava.
Right behind the deathplace of King Turtledragon (who, by the way, is not actually King Turtledragon but a mook wearing his clothes) is where you suspect the Princess of being stashed away. Not so. You free this Toad idiot who is not an amphibian as his name would have you think. He’s a good version of the evil sentient fungus or something. He sucks. He thanks you and informs you that the princess is in another castle.
Repeat the above x6. (Note: after killing the fourth mook dressed up as King Turtledragon, they start coming up with new strategies such as throwing a barrage of hammers at you. You start to question what King Turtledragon himself is worth because these mooks seriously have some fucking subspace shit going on because they DO NOT RUN OUT OF HAMMERS)
After killing more mooks en masse, saving more Toads, and after being repeatedly informed that the princess is in another castle still, you prepare to give up, but you’ve got a feeling about this last stretch of land. Suddenly the terrain becomes very fucking difficult to navigate and you fall in unending pits a lot. Like, the difficult curve most be following some complex logarithmic shit ‘cause it’s just now going upwards very very quickly.
But then you see it. King Turtledragon’s castle. It looks like three normal castles taped together, but this should be it.
Seriously, what the hell is King Turtledragon’s defense budget ‘cause he’s got like teleporters and fire underwater and a death clock (well, that’s always been there but it’s not like it mattered ‘til now) and Jesus Christ. You fight your way through the mostly-empty-but-still-terrifying castle and finally come face-to-face with King Turtledragon for real.
Thirty seconds on the death clock. You have no powerups. You jump. He jumps, throwing like six hammers at you while spitting a fireball at the ground. You sprint forward, dodging the assault. You grab the axe he stashed conveniently behind him and chop the bridge. Well actually it sort of disintegrates as soon as you touch it, but it matters not.
King Turtledragon must not have very much mass to him because he floats in the air long enough for you to get under him and he’s still there even when the bridge went away. He starts to fall slowly, but cannot seem to navigate the x-plane to land anywhere else besides the lava. He falls and dies. You find the princess, who informs you that the princess is in another castle. You contemplate throwing her into the lava because that joke is NO LONGER FUCKING FUNNY AFTER THE EIGHTH TIME.